Confession 4

Maxim and Andrei's dynamic was inspired from many sources.

1. My own experience to once had a crush with a classmate who sent me mixed signals. Until I dared myself to confess, and against my parents' bad hunch. Until I accept the nickname "Virgin" because still not tainted by anything. Until I think the massages and light touches are the part of love gesture. And so, I always tolerating his rudeness and stingy in every hangout (or dates, he said). Until I realised that I give more than I take, from 2011 until 2018. I can only cut the relationship after blocking him through all social media accounts and numbers, and it was the same time I am moving out of different district. Otherwise he will make sudden visit just like he did in the past. And... I can say the memories still burning in my mind until now.

2. My own experience too. Another classmate in my class in 2011, who was very rude and distant to me only... and yet being kind to everyone in the class. Later I learned the gossip about him losing his mother in young age, and then he had relationship with another boy from different school. Anyway this rude classmate is rival of my ex crush. And oddly I feel happy when rude classmate become the one with highest score after school exam... because I am satisfied to see ex crush pulled out tantrum after school. 

3. Later when I entered university in 2012, that boy from different school aka rude classmate's boyfriend is my new classmate (while the rude classmate was at different major). I am surprised that boy instead very friendly and polite to me, even until we graduate together in 2017. I have no problem with him, but I still kept distance because knowing he is still in relationship with the rude classmate. And I felt glad when knowing from uni gossips that he broke up with the rude classmate.

4. One homework in university around 2013 was learning about Sexuality and Society (since I am in Socio-Politic Faculty). I was inside 1 group with other 9 students divide our works. My friends sought and interviewed several people (Gay, Lesbian, Trans, and Sex Worker), while I was the one who compile everything in video editing software. Each stories are wholesome... but somehow I find the interview of Gay couple odd. I mean... the history was a man who broken hearted after his girlfriend cheated and ended the relationship. Then that man accompanied by his best friend who secretly in love with him. Later they become closer, had intimate acts, and then they become lovers. The story end with the couple planned to marry in different country. It feels creepy as if the interview was more to grooming than truly pure gay...

5. I was once had mixed feeling toward one best friend from school... probably around 2015. She used to be the only one understand me and my fixation with Alexandrov Ensemble since 2011. The feeling slowly felt like a possessive and obsessive. When I consult at internet forums, the forum said that I have to embrace my lesbian spirit inside me and confess to her. I was conflicted at the same time... but later I did confess. She politely rejected, but then she said "Was it because you haven't found a genuine friendship connection?". This made me realised that I am not lesbian at all. I was growing up all alone as nobody at school wants to befriend me. Well, my friendship with her still intact (although now fading in time as we become adults). And as I tell the forum about it... they seemed disappointed, and later not want to keep in touch with me anymore.


Maybe some will critique about Maxim should have written as alpha man who getting "innocent woman", being misogynistic and perform severe patriarchy, because it's more common than the queer ones.

Had to say... actually my original plan was like that in 2013. but I can't bear to create any female OC just to become Maxim's toy, for I myself a woman too.

also... actually if Maxim survived and finding Andrei had move on with Lyuba, Maxim will move on fast. Then he targeting woman just to tick the checkbox that he has settled to marriage. The abuse he did to Andrei will be also done to that woman. I don't want that ending.