"Agh!" I screamed, gasping for air. My eyes flew open, and my body jerked awake reflexively. But before I could even catch my breath, I was startled by the unfamiliar surroundings.
Everything was dark. I could only see myself, clad in a brown military uniform. A rucksack hung on my back, and my right hand clutched a combat knife... the very one I had always carried during the war. I recalled that I had been fighting someone; a target I was meant to assassinate. Beyond that, all I could see was blackness. I mustered the courage to stand and walk, searching for something amidst the dark. Yet, for the first time, I felt a paralyzing fear. The temperature was freezing, and my vision began to dim.
Suddenly, a searing pain shot through my head. I screamed at the top of my lungs again. Something was piercing my skull so violently that it felt as though my brain might burst out. I heard the sound of falling bombs and the anguished cries of soldiers; the noise caused me to collapse. I also heard the voices of those I had once killed:
"You deserve this!"
"Suffer forever, you scum!"
Then, I felt a crushing blow to my chest; I gasped for air as my bones seemed to shatter. I kept screaming, begging for relief from the agony racking my body. I could still hear the distant rumble of tanks, and I dreaded being crushed in this state. But it was too late; pain surged through me again, as if I were being run over by an invisible tank.
"It’s not fair! This isn't fair!! I haven't fulfilled my desires yet! I can't find peace like this!!!" Those were the only words I could utter.
And just as suddenly, the pain vanished completely. It was as if nothing had happened; I could move my body freely, and not a single bone was broken. I opened my eyes again, making sure everything was alright. My body was drenched in blood, yet strangely enough... I wasn't suffocating. The first thing I saw then was the figure of a young man, resembling me, dressed in an army uniform.
No... That wasn't it... That was the young man himself. The host I had inhabited while I was alive. He looked immaculate; his face was radiant, and a yellow light surrounded his body. Yet, he looked sad as he gazed at me, now covered in so much blood.
"So, this is what you look like, Vitaly?" the young man said in a weak voice. I stood up and turned my face away, feeling a mix of shame and irritation toward him.
"And what will you do, Alexei? Laugh at me because my plan finally failed?" I snapped.
Alexei lowered his head sadly, offering no further answer. I continued my tirade, my voice rising: "Wasn't my suffering enough, Alexei? Huh? I was the one who remembered all your painful past memories and felt the agony! I was the one who endured the brunt of all your negative emotions! And that person you once considered a true friend? He destroyed my dream of winning Darya's heart!!!"
I hurled the knife I was holding, aiming to kill Alexei. But strangely, the blade simply passed right through his body. It then returned to my hand without a single mark on it. Alexei’s expression didn't change; he just kept staring at me.
"And because of your ambition, my life was ruined too. You surely know that from my diary," Alexei said sadly.
"That was exactly the plan! To get rid of the host so I could take over your body! You were too naive and didn't make proper use of your own body, even after I helped you become at least somewhat useful to yourself."
"Why? Aren't you a part of me, and I of you?"
"Let me remind you of something, Alexei. You created me because you wanted someone to help you and your younger sibling escape your suffering. A father who chose to serve the church rather than resolve problems; a mother who loathed both children ever since the youngest was born... And so I appeared. I happily helping you kill those deranged parents, just as your dark desires demanded. Though, unfortunately, your youngest sibling was accidentally struck by a shard of a bottle thrown by your mother!"
"You know nothing about Mother and Kostya! They weren't evil! Kostya was just a baby... they... they..." Alexei said, his voice thick with emotion.
"I know everything from the deepest recesses of your soul! Don't pretend you're purely kind-hearted! You felt that all the affection you received was a sham! Even their love for Kostya! They loved their religion more than their own children!"
"That couldn't possibly be my own dark thought!!!"
"Still don't believe it? Shall I remind you how you knew all this but were powerless to act because you were confined within the church? Only our grandfather was kind enough to provide a secret passage so Anka and I could meet. A kind grandfather, yet your father tore you apart because the old man was too soft-hearted. You wondered how a father with such a lowly position could stand in the way of a priest, didn't you?"
"Stop it, Vitaly... I know that...."
"Ohoho, so it's coming back to you! But my favorite memory is the one from when Konstantin was born! Your father having given up on you for rebelling against the church. He decided to send you back home, ordered your mother to torment you as well, and took Konstantin away to the church to raise him himself! Hahahaha!!!"
"Vitaly!!!" Alexei screamed, tears welling up in his eyes. "The funny thing is, your mind still clung to me—even though, in truth, I would have preferred to return to nothingness after killing them. I went along with it, thinking there might be something interesting in this world after all. But seeing that you’re still just as foolish despite all your experiences... I decided you don't deserve to inhabit this body. I am the one who deserves it!"
As I shouted those words, it felt as though a massive hammer had suddenly struck my head. My triumphant laughter turned into a wretched scream. It was as if I were being punished for mocking Alexei. Why was this happening? I wanted to lay everything bare—so why was I being punished for speaking the honest truth about my feelings? WHY?!
"But... why did it have to end up like this?" I sank to my knees, letting out a low, pained whimper. Tears finally spilled from my eyes for the first time. I wept because life felt so unfair to me—a mere parasite feeding on another’s soul. I had no life of my own; I could never truly be myself.
"Vitaly..." Alexei approached and knelt before me, his hands gripping my shoulders. I felt a warmth radiating from his touch. "To be honest, I’ve hated you ever since I realized you were inside me. I even tried to thwart your plans by killing myself. You killed Mother, Father, Anka, and Vasya. You destroyed my friendships. You tormented the girl you loved. And you tore me away from the girl I loved. I wished I could banish you to a realm far worse than this, just so I could be accepted into a better place and never be trapped here again."
"Then go ahead and do whatever you want. Leave me alone. Go to that realm of light they call heaven."
"But seeing you now, I realize that we are actually one. My soul and yours are truly one... I can't get rid of you. I can't. And I realize that creating you was my own foolish mistake. I’m the one suffering more here, not you."
I looked at Alexei with suspicion. "Are you hoping I’ll be moved and agree to merge with you?"
"If you want to. If not, I accept this fate that we’ll both be stuck here. Forever."
"Fine, then I refuse. I still can't accept any of this."
No sooner had I said those words than an invisible force suddenly crushed my body, knocking me to the ground. Blood gushed freely as my skin tore open. I saw the terror on Alexei’s face as he wrapped his arms around my thrashing body. "Stop dwelling on dark thoughts, Vitaly! Every time you dwell on your past grievances, your own mind will torment you until you are utterly shattered! Even if you don't die!" Then, the torment suddenly vanished, and the pain subsided. Yet, I shook my head; I still refused to heed Alexei’s words! No, no, no! I wanted a life of my own! I wasn't someone he could just boss around!
My body was crushed once more by the transparent tank, and I screamed right into Alexei’s face. He finally wept, holding me even tighter. "Please, think of a happy memory! Think of a good deed you’ve done... even the smallest one!" Alexei’s final words caused the torment to fade away once more. That was when I finally gave in, speaking in a broken, faltering voice.
"How... could I possibly think... like that? I... haven't brought happiness to anyone..."
"There must be something, Vitaly," Alexei insisted. I closed my eyes, trying to recall any memories that were beautiful for myself or for others. But there was nothing. Nothing I had ever done had been of any use to myself or anyone else. Yet, I couldn't go on like this, either...
Suddenly, a memory surfaced, prompting words to spill from my lips:
"Yes, Alexei. Your friend Dima. I made him trust me completely. He gave his heart and I always offered solutions for his troubled heart. Our conversations were never dull; we shared the same outlook, so there were no foolish arguments... He grew close to me, bringing fruit cakes every year... before I realized he was Darya’s first love. That was the first time I faced a dilemma: should I keep Dima or choose Darya?" I confessed to him.
Unsure if he would be angry, I poured out all my emotions, weeping harder than ever. I could hear Alexei sobbing softly in my arms, too.
"I was a devil, a parasite feeding off you! Don't forgive me!" I cried.
"I’m the one who never got to thank you for saving me from our parents. Thanks to you, we at least got to experience life a little longer before the war... Thank you..." Alexei replied, his voice choked with sobs. His words brought an unexpected, profound calm to my heart.
Then, the yellow light surrounding Alexei’s body began to seep into every pore of my skin and every fold of my clothes. Our bodies slowly dissolved, consumed by that yellow radiance. When I opened my eyes, a vast steppe stretched out before me. Judging by the sun's position, it seemed to be ten in the morning.
And I realized I shared the same sensation he had felt: inhabiting the body of a ten-year-old boy with curly hair, possessing every memory intact. Nothing are fragmented or lost.
I was no longer Vitaly or Alexei. I didn't know my name; I had no name anymore. For me, simply being here in peace was enough—running across the endless steppe.