Warning: Scene in "Late May 1941" section may be uncomfortable for readers (implied assault from woman toward man, and heavy manipulation). It's advised to skip immediately to "31 July 1941" if you don't want to read it.
***
August 1927
From many Polish families who set journey from Lvov illegally, only teenager Nina and other ten people who managed to reach Leningrad safely. Her parents died on their way from exhaustion, making Nina completely alone when she hid in the abandoned building together. Slowly everyone changed their identity to cover their true nationality, and Nina changed her surname into Paterbatsova. By the time her ID issued and successfully created, Nina has forgetting her true surname forever.
Somehow, one by one got the job in the steel factory. Nina is slightly skillful as a clerk, due to her memorised the accounting tutorial fast from her senior. This making her able to moved from the factory's hot building to the slightly better office beside the factory. Though still, she is heavily watched because her freckles on the cheek reminds some of workers with "Polish girl's sign". So far, Nina pretend to be confused with Polish, whenever anyone tested her. Then she always turn down any men's invitation, making sure she is living better as independent woman.
She found some good coworkers to hang out each weekend, though of course she fabricated every stories she had about her late family. And so far, no one suspects about it. Nina is only known as that sweet redhead girl with green eyes and tiny freckles on the cheek, who loves to wear pastel pink dress and applying a stylish makeup (until her coworkers begging her for the tips and makeup help).
Early November 1938
Once, the factory has to closed down for a day. There is announcement about obligation to attend the October Revolution-themed concert held by the state. Together with the office coworkers, Nina sits at the second class seat. She's quite lucky because she doesn't sit at third class seat, so it means she can at least sees the performance without squinting her eyes.
Some state's local singers or small groups participated there, collaborating with a very famous military ensemble who keep appearing in the radio. Nina was not that impressed with the songs performed... until her green eyes rather examining the artists who sing, dance and play the instruments. The examine stopped at brass section, seeing a seemed curly-haired brunet plays his trumpet.
After the obligated concert ends, Nina separate herself from her coworkers to find that man. Eventually she finds him among hundred artists at backstage, happily receiving the flowers from audiences just like other ensemble members. Nina waits until the crowd disperse a bit, then she introduce herself as a newcomer of the ensemble fan. That curly haired man blushed, after all of this time he only shows polite smile. Her attempt worked well, and they exchange address quite fast.
Although the correspondence was not frequent by the next year, Nina is quite glad that Alexei Mikhailov will always visits her communal whenever he visits Leningrad. They would hang out at park or tea house, listen to each other's past and present activities. She learned that Alexei's position as trumpeter in the ensemble is quite stable, and far protected than her when it comes to threats.
Moreover during 1939, Nina finds him as the only man who fully replied to her troubles. Both in the mails and the direct hangouts.
Middle September 1939
Actually, Nina was quite surprised and anxious. Today, a straight-faced Alexei visits her communal with a bottle of wine. "Brought it from Crimea," he said with his smile somewhat forced.
"Are you okay, Lyosha? You seemed upset..." asked Nina carefully before putting the bottle of wine inside the cupboard.
"Don't worry. I was only tired from the tedious job. Now... wanna have dinner? Let me treat you."
Their dinner outside also feels different from the first time. This Alexei... feels like rather asking a lot about Nina's live deeper. Or more to interrogating? Even though Nina is skillful at lying, she began stuttered in every answers. She kept slipping her heritage stories, her parents' true death, her old address, failure at smoking... and made Alexei pulled a small smile.
When Alexei walked her home, his grip is tighter and his walking pace faster than usual. Nina had to fasten her walk to match her position with his. She starts to be scared if Alexei had changed his mind to be close with her. Will he suddenly drag her to the Militsia office? Or will he threaten her so he can control her??
Her mind overcrowded by the negative thoughts, until she doesn't realised Alexei nudged her several times, asking if she can take out the key door right now.
"Alexei... I have to be honest with you," Nina finally heaved as she invited Alexei inside her communal again. Her body limped to the dining chair and rubbed her face in shame. "...Actually you are right, I am not a Russian. I am an immigrant. I faked everything except my first name, so I can have better life. So please, let me live..."
Alexei didn't surprised to see her confession. He just sits down in her level, with his head tilted.
"Then show me your face without the makeup, Nina."
"...What?"
"The identity and mask might be fake. But your face and your eyes are still yours. So, show your face to me," explained Alexei. Nina has no choice, other than getting up and cleaned everything with soap. Anything is better than being threatened.
Five minutes after her glistened skin washed by water and dried with towel, she can see the straight-faced Alexei blushed and gasped.
"Well, now you can see me..."
"...You are more beautiful with those freckles. Thank you for trusting me, Nina," hummed Alexei, and he slowly caress her cheek. His smile now looked genuine and benign than previous smiles she ever sees... which captivated her more than her fears.
"Will you report me?"
"What for? I asked you because I want to love you more...."
"....I... I thought you are..."
"Just please keep showing your realness to me only. In here, where fellow outsiders like us can be ourselves..."
"Outsiders? What do you mean?"
"If there is anything I should confess too... I am not actually Russian too. I am an Ukrainian, sought for better life through music world till changed my identities," the admission from Alexei made her blinked. It feels like everything about Alexei has completely matched with her, and she cannot waste it any further. Her previous fear and fret just instantly gone. Maybe she loves this Alexei more, as she can hear his assures more than mere dreams...
"Then...can I... I love... you further?" Nina purred nervously, for she doesn't know what else to say anymore. Then both of them embraced passionately right after Alexei answered,
"I love you too, Nina. Let's go steady. I don't want to losing you..."
***
Early December 1940
Drunken by love numbed her sanity in just a year. Well, she still plays well as the sweet redhead woman with makeup skill. But now her imagination filling her rested head on the pillow; soon all of her troubles healed by Alexei by the time she wore the wedding dress and signing the certificate. No need for the gold, silver or any ring. Not only because she doesn't really into jewelries. But also because she rather had something more important: the official proof that she did belong in this absurd situation, place, mind...
For the entire 1940, the letters exchanged smoothly. The sweet, dreamy words and promises from Alexei are always matched with his action whenever he visits Leningrad each two months. The gifts, the dates, the deep conversations... are all fulfilled. She also learned more music to be listened in her gramophone, thanks to Alexei brought some rare platters he got from Moscow. Most of the platters are the self-recorded from the university project he did with his colleagues from the conservatory. Though for her ears, their underground songs sounded better than whatever that the state promote as good songs...
"So... among of your dreams, do you also dream of our marriage?" her sudden question appeared when she finished listening to the newest platter. Alexei's cheek reddened, but his smile is also sincere enough. And she was so euphoric when his answer is not a stutter mess:
"In fact, I dreamt that our marriage happened in the end of Winter, but before Spring. How? Or you want to do it next week?"
Now she is the one who stuttered and shook her head, "Oh, that's... too fast! No worries! End of winter sounds good.... I... still have more time to... choose the perfect gown first!"
They landed their kiss as the agreement, and tomorrow she sees Alexei boarded himself to the train back to Moscow. She waved her hand, with full of hope for the bright future.
Nina finally found her dream white dress after a month of two months of winter. It has a lot of frills on the shoulders and chest. The bottom part is sleek and touching her shin, and she can make sure her white high heels can be seen. She can't rent it yet, as she still unsure for the date. Gotta making sure, right?
And as she asked to Alexei of the exact date to marry her...
The mailbox in her apartment stays empty in the beginning of March. She brushed it off, thinking Alexei is still busy to perform in Crimea. The ensemble always performs there every beginning of Spring and beginning of Autumn. Then... April must be the big day, right?!!
And yet, that month bearing no fruit. Nina try to write and sending more letter once a week. From the beautiful cursive that only owned by an accountant from factory... into a choppy, panicked letters cramped inside the envelope.
... If only she didn't delaying the wedding invitation... If only she just grab one simple white dress and just signing the certificate among cold snow...
Her hands then battling everyday during Spring. Stroking the lipstick to her lips versus trying not to break the platters into two. Patting the face powder to cheek versus punching the pillow until passed out. Drawing the eyeliner and eyebrow... versus scratching the pen to the empty paper, making sure the sentences are large enough to be read. But the desperate letters are never sent. There is shards of hope that Alexei will reply. She then made vow; if Alexei didn't reply until end of Summer, Nina will broke the relationship and moving on to someone else. Heck, she might try to hit on any guy at bar later, as long she can get rid of Alexei in her mind...
Later, turn out the reply from Alexei is only coming by middle of May 1941. A daisy papier bookmark slipped inside the letter, which Nina thought it was the apology gift for her.
"Forgive me... Busy schedule... Hectic days... I will visit again by next Wednesday..." Nina's voice dropped in disappointment as she read the summary of his long, beautifully cursive written letter. The fear now coming along to twiddle her hopeful love, too. Will Alexei soon propose? Or is it just another false promise to bring her head to clouds?
She doesn't know that in Moscow, Alexei has been fully asleep from January until April. The other Alexei... is too busy for meddling with his reopened wound - Darya's name resurfaced to his life again as a shape of Dmitry's love letters. And poor Alexei only wakes up briefly, just to quickly depart to Leningrad to fulfill his promise.
She, too, will never know Alexei's guilt has the same size just like her fear.
***
Late May 1941
As her worrywart blinding her consciousness, she hatched a plan to make Alexei become hers fast. And the first step is to wait until Alexei visits her communal to stay and dating again. When Alexei knocked and entered the door, she immediately presented him the expensive vodka she got as 'bonus salary' she wants to share. Elated Alexei thanked her, and he invited her to drink it right now.
After five to six rounds of glass, she can see Alexei slowly drooped and jolted. Surely the high quality means faster reaction... But just before she try to kiss him as a pleasant surprise, Alexei gets up in sudden and staggered to the front door.
"Ah, damn. Too dizzy... I shall buy the hangover meds first. I drank too much..." complained Alexei, but he cannot find the key that usually hung on the door's handle. "Where... is the... key, Ninochka?"
"You just need to rest, Lyokha. If you want to throw up, just tell me. I will bring the bucket," Nina carefully embraced him and made him sitting back on the sofa. Alexei obeyed by letting himself guided by her.
Though as soon as Alexei sat down on the bed that offered by Nina, she shifted her weight to lean onto Alexei's chest. "Dearie... what?" Alexei gasped a bit, which ignored by Nina. She focused on slowly unbuttoned his shirt, uncared that Alexei been scooted away from Nina's reach.
But as she just going to unzip his trousers, she heard the freezing voice nearby her ears, "...Nina. Stop."
Her wrist suddenly gripped hard by him. Nina shocked that weakened Alexei has grown strong. And the hazel eyes... it was not a meek one, but the most angry, enraged man she ever met. Alexei easily gets up and lifts her wrist until he can get away from her touch, as if that man never being drunken since the beginning. Nina frantically pull away, but of course Alexei's grip still steady enough to lock her.
"Let me go!"
"Tell me the reason why do you do this."
"I'm... I'm sorry...! I am scared you will leave me! You looked so close, yet so distant. I... I don't want to losing more beloved one in my life!" cried Nina who finally gave up. Alexei released the grip and let her sit back to the bed.
"...So what you want was an engagement. A better commitment. Not this kind of trap," stated Alexei. Nina hugged herself and buried her face to her knees, completely mortified with her own sin.
"Yes..."
"I will answer yes for the engagement, even the marriage if you asked right now. Just please, don't do this kind of lie anymore, Ninochka."
Time seems stopped for a while, as Alexei now sat beside crying Nina. He just patted her back, for seems he is also guilty to snapped earlier. After her sobbing died down, Alexei finally murmured.
"...If you still want to have fun tonight, then let's do it. I will have fun with you, too."
Nina lifted her wettened face, then look at Alexei in both guilt but also the desire.
They spent the entire intimate acts without fears, lies or doubts anymore. Then the next morning, they just stayed inside Nina's communal. Cooking, chatting, and eventually doing house chores while playfully judging the passerby from the balcony. And after cleaning the floor, Alexei found the communal room key right next to the bedside lamp. None of them addressed what happened last night anymore.
Alexei continued to apologise at Nina, and at the same time lamented that she should have been honest about the commitment. Nina completely listened to that advice, and sincerely apologised back. Especially to remembered his eyes look terrifying when drunk. As if she wasn't truly facing the nervous, dreamy Alexei...
Even now, it feels like she wasn't talking to Alexei... But at the same time, she still loves him for the honesty and commitment...
At evening, Alexei and Nina were sitting by the fireplace. He stroked her gently, occasionally braiding Nina's hair. "It reminds me of my late sister, Anka... I used to braid her hair into a long plait before we went out to play. Her hair was even longer than yours, you know. She didn't like pigtails. Because she thought they looked weird. But sometimes I’d tease her by doing them anyway, and she’d yank my hair in retaliation...." He chuckled softly at the nostalgia. Nina laughed too, picturing a young Alexei getting his hair pulled by his sister.
"Now it reminds me with my late brother Odolan... He loved riding our family’s mare. He used to say that when he grew up, he wanted to be a jockey. He said he could ride really fast."
"But weren't jockeys the ones people feared back then? You know, the races were so brutal. Horses breaking bones and vice versa?" Alexei puzzled with Nina's nostalgia.
"Crazy, right? But he learned to handle the horse so well. Even the mare could even keep time to the rhythm of any songs he sang. Still... one day he just struck with fever, and two weeks later he left us."
"It’s a shame it was so brief," Alexei sighed. "I can understand how hard that must have been."
"Well, I think it for the best. Because he were still around, he would have been forced to flee during times like these, too. And it will be tragedy to see his dream crushed," Nina sadly smiled again and held Alexei’s hand, after he had just finished braiding Nina hair.
"Then I will fulfil your dream, Ninochka... I will marry you as soon as possible. Then let me go back to Moscow for a while. There is one thing I should do before marry you officially," he promised.
"Thank you for listening to me. I thought I will lose you..." Nina didn't know how to finish the sentence. She was terrified of that scary thought, and still had the guilt to ever trapped him in the first place.
"We will never lose each other anymore. I will make sure to always carry my soul into your heart."
He was growing sleepy, soon began to snore softly. Nina choose to not wake him, for she was sleepy, too.
Unknown for Nina... the mingling may belong to Alexei. But the argument, the intimate, the nostalgia, and the promise were not spoken by Alexei at all. It was from Vitaly, who made a plan to move on from Darya. And that including about plan to kill Dmitry without more hesitation.
***
31 July 1941
Though of course Nina quickly thought the universe mocked her. Just as they engaged in the beginning of June, claiming each other as fiancé and fiancée... She got a goodbye letter from Alexei in the middle of war; he will be stationed in Southwestern Front, and promised Nina that he will come back soon and marry her.
She already thought it was such a wasted promise. But why... why she still cling on it? Such thoughts brought her to daily nightmare, till waking up with gasp and sweats (even during winter and the siege of Leningrad).
The nightmare never changes. Alexei stands away in the tuxedo he wore at elope day; then he catches fire, and his outfit transforms into a soldier's uniform. Nina desperately run toward him, and he says, "I will carry my soul into your heart," before bursting into flames again and vanishing.
...One, two, and three years passed by. Nina made sure she stayed alive, through the cold and hunger for her fiancé. Then in the fourth year of war, she got enough ration to make cheese pastries. Well, just in case there’s a knock at the door and it turns out to be Alexei. She always place three stacks of cheese pastries on the table and stare at it. Then she will imagine him coming home to eating it and smiling at here. Or perhaps, while they’re eating, he might suddenly tickle her feet playfully. And Nina will stomp on his foot and pull his leg. That, of course... if Alexei coming back soon...
***
June 1945
The war was over, according to the newspaper she read. Yet Alexei still not visits her place. Maybe he was still on the way home? She kept hoping and hoping. She made sure her stock to make a batch of cheese pastries always ready... because it was Alexei's favorited food...
Until one late afternoon, there was a knock on Nina's shelter door. At first she was delighted; such a coincidence she had prepared cheese pastries once in time. But as she opened the door, she instead found a tall man with shoulder-length hair and a somber face standing there. Nina immediately burst into uncontrollable tears. That man patted both of her back to calm her.
"I heard from ensemble artists who are in the same unit with him... He was killed by a bomb shards two years ago. They can't found his body..." Vadim, the name of that man, just lowered his head in regret. Nina narrowed her eyes in disbelief. There some words sounded wrong, and there much things hidden behind his expression.
Then Nina stood up and served Vadim three stacks of cheese pastries—using the very plate Alexei used to use.
"Please, eat this," Nina pleaded.
"Cheese pastries... I remembered it's Lyosha's favorited. But... why?" confused Vadim.
"Lyokha asked me to make it if he came home after war."
Vadim hesitated, and his voice more listless, "But... he didn't come home, did he?"
"He brought his soul back to me, through you who bravely tell me this grave news," Nina insisted. Vadim took it gently and began to eat at the dining table.
"It's delicious. Surely... surely Lyosha will like it..." Vadim praised as he munched the pastries. His eyes becomes bleaker than before, and the munching turns slower.
After the plate emptied, he politely return the, to Nina "Thank you for bringing the good memories about Lyosha. So... Alright. I'm going home now. Goodbye...."
That was the last time Nina watched and witnessed Vadim, who walked away while rubbing his face repeatedly.
***
October 1948
...One, two, and three years passed by again. In the new communal, Nina has been stayed with a factory worker named Nikita. He rarely natters nonsense. He may leaves for the night shift except the day offs. But he brings a stalk of daisy (Nina's favorite) each morning, when arriving home. He may never directly compliments her cooking, but somehow Nina finds him always accompanied during shopping for groceries. He would get the same ingredients that certainly will make the same fish soup he always ate, and would always had a 'bonus salary'. Enough to buy a small milk cake for her. He didn't forbade nor forced Nina about her makeup kits collection. Whether she used red, purple, black or totally bare lips, Nikita would still land his kiss before leave for the night shift.
At first Nina rejected out of fear. She blurted that she will harm him further just like what she did to her late fiancé. Nikita looked so guilty to panicking Nina, and explains the reason of him wanting to commit fast; he also didn't want to lose Nina just like losing his late fiancée and learned her past cruelty. Somehow the confession clicked their heart... and both of them shared their own pain to solve it.
...Which made both of them realised, they were connected in their own way: to be hurt by... and hurting both the elder brother and the younger sister of Mikhailov family. And only that, the proposal happens next week. The marriage still continued and counting nonstop.
Will never stop counting, of course. For both of them finding their relationship less maddening, unlike the past.